Processing the election. I guess there's really only so much I can do at this point. Probably best to not get too anxious about the future given that there are infinite possibilities. Some people seem very anxious, afraid; I think it's making me feel anxious, afraid. Worrying solves nothing, yet I worry. I feel dread, yet I know this is just life. All I can do is just keep trying to make the best of life. Sometimes I feel scared, like I'm sort of just floating around with few attachments to make me feel safe. I do what I can physically to make me feel better mentally: yoga, meditate, eat healthy, get sleep, write, go out. Lately, I have been pacing around, unmotivated, distracted, uncentered, insecure. I don't know if this sudden influx of anxiety in my life is related to the election or it's some other, deeper existential dread that's always lying just below the surface of my experiences. Probably the latter. That's comforting, remembering that everything is meaningless.
It's the holidays; of course I'm sad.
When you’re a child, if you’ve had any luck in the world, the holidays are mostly good memories- lights, food, family, presents wrapped in fun paper topped with shiny bows. Appropriately, when you’re an adult, those good memories will make you sad: things have changed and so have you and so has everyone else.
It’s sad how things change. I’m not going to offer an inspiring message on how to suppress your feelings. I think it’s good to be sad and to let yourself feel sad. Perhaps the holidays can be a time to reflect, and with any luck, gain a deeper perspective.
Perspective and wisdom and real peace can only come from letting yourself feel the things you try to not let yourself feel.
During this time of year, it can be especially easy to just eat and eat (or drink) and let the invisible tension build while you try to drown it out with the flashing lights of the television and your electronic devices. That is certainly much easier and less messy than tears, than saying what you’re really feeling. Than opening up and being honest with the very people who will be with you for the rest of your life.
All I can offer you at this time of year is empathy. I know it’s hard, but perhaps it wouldn’t be a complete disaster if you let yourself really feel what you act like you’re not feeling. If you let yourself be honest with those who love you. If you let yourself be real. If you truly connected with your supposed loved ones. Maybe it would bring you all closer together.
Or maybe it will make you feel even more alone, but at least you’ll be alone with yourself. At least you’ll know what you’re really feeling. At least you’ll be aware and connected to yourself, rather than living in a tense, anxious repressed almost vegetative state.
I hope this reflection in helpful to you. Please remember that you’re not alone, and the holidays will be over soon.
Love and strength to you,
I'm inclined to think the good things people say about me are more valid than the bad, but perhaps it's not so harmful to reflect.
Change is possible though typically quite difficult. Sometimes change requires you go through a drug addiction, jail or have someone close to you die. And even then, that won't be enough if you don't want the change for yourself.