There were many factors that led me to the point of feeling like Magic was my calling, but one of the final breaking points (breakthrough?) was a bad DMT trip I had back in September 2018.
I was about a month into my first semester at Rice University, pursing a Master’s degree in Mysticism, Esotericism and Gnosticism. At this point, I felt like this was exactly where I was called to be in that moment. I still wasn’t sure of my Destiny (am I even sure now?), but I knew I felt compelled by a Divine Force to settle back in Houston & expand my mind.
So anyway, the DMT trip. It was September, and there I was, in my bedroom, a new student at one of the most prestigious and cutting edge Religious Studies departments in the world, and I was ready to blast off - you know, for research. 🤓
I’ve done DMT before and have had all sorts of breakthroughs and insights revealed to me, so I felt fully capable of handling whatever new messages God, my Higher Self, the Universe was to show me.
So I lied down on my bed, blindfolded, and in a serene and meditative state of mind, and I blasted off. Except this time when I shot off, my reality completely dissolved. Whoops.
When I say my reality completely dissolved, I don’t mean in the positive, expanding your perception of Reality sort of way; I’ve had plenty of those experiences. This time, I felt like I was in a simulation.
The world was flat and paper thin.
Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit.
I ran out of the bedroom screaming my boyfriend’s name as I took deep, conscious breaths and felt completely stuck in this sticky dimension.
After about 30 minutes, I was feeling a little more 3 dimensional in the physical sense, but my sense of Reality felt smaller than it had before I blasted off. Where was God? Where were the Divine messages and insights for which I so desperately longed?
The theory that this world is all a simulation controlled by aliens started to make a lot of sense to me, and I had never felt more alone. I felt as if my entire spiritual and mystical path up to that point, which had previously seemed so real and alive, was nothing more than a trick played on me by some malevolent, childlike ultradimensional beings.
In the past, when I’ve felt alone, I would call my therapist, and even though she had been a graduate student under Timothy Leary, this particular situation seemed a little beyond her sphere of professional experience. I felt so alone. I didn't know who to call.
Then I remembered a fellow comedian friend of mine in New York named Jodi Coyote, and I remembered her far-out-there husband who talked to me about aliens and other dimensions when I was just a baby psychonaut. Of course. Who else would I call but the 40 year old dude who talks to 23 year old women about the Underlying Mechanisms of Reality?
So I called him, and among a few of the things he said that made me feel better, the biggest one that helped to ease the tension of my mind was: Reality is not Either/Or; It is Both/And.
Of course. The theory that Reality is purely a simulation run by teenage aliens is just as limited and dogmatic as Atheism or any other system of belief that maintains it holds the Ultimate Truth.
So but then why did this DMT trip thrust me in the opposite direction from the Truth? Why did this “God Molecule” shut me off from Divine Unity & Awareness?
It’s only now that I have been compelled towards Magic that I think I have an answer to this question. I believe that all those years of spiritual work I had done (including the corresponding psychedelic trips) had brought me as far as I could go with those systems (meditate, yoga, smoothies, mushrooms, prayer, etc). I had hit the flat yet dense ceiling.
I knew there was more than this paper thin world. I knew there was an Infinite, Vast Universe of Possibilities just beyond the ceiling, but how could I push through?
After a month of wrestling with this question, I was compelled by many circumstances to leave school - the whole reason I thought I was supposed to be in Houston. It was only after I dropped out of school that I felt the Divine calling to pursue magic.
And now it all makes sense. How does one push beyond the flat, 3 dimensional ceiling? Secret codes. Specific rituals and protocols, invocations, supplications, baths, correspondences & more. Magical systems offer the secret codes to hidden possibilities, hidden levels to reveal hidden powers. Down, Up, Left, Left, A, Right, Down. Practicing Magic is like finding the hidden feather in Mario & flying to the Celestial Realm.